I recently saw a video where a youngish pastor was talking about his daughters and dating. He thought it was too much responsibility to put on a 15 year old to “date for marriage”. His opinion was that at that age, date for fun!
While I agree that it’s too much responsibility to date for marriage at that age, I disagree with his solution to date for fun. At that age, just don’t date. There I said it.
Yeah, I know that sounds so outdated and harsh, even anti biblical, since we see examples like Mary and Joseph, who were married probably in their mid teens. The difference is they were prepared to marry that young. In Jewish culture boys were considered men at thirteen.
Both boys and girls were working from a very young age to help their household. Everyone was in survival mode as their daily living focused on feeding their family. They lived out the command to be fruitful and multiply and lived interdependent lives in communities that worked together. Their marriages were more than a feeling.
Today, the culture has romanticized teen dating to seem like this glamorous, cool, you’re-missing out-if-you-don’t experience-it. When in reality it has led to an onslaught of issues that our younger generations face, like teen pregnancy, abortion and teen dating violence.
The following are some statistics:
In 2019, there were 21 million pregnancies in girls aged 15 to 19 (9). Fifty-five percent of these pregnancies ended in abortion, which is often unsafe in low-and middle-income countries.
In the United States, up to 19% of teens experience sexual or physical dating violence, about half face stalking or harassment, and as many as 65% report being psychologically abused (“Teen Dating Violence,” Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, U.S. Department of Justice, 2022).
The teen years are difficult enough. Children are navigating their values, identity, and place in the world. Add hormones in the mix and unmanaged emotions and it’s a lot to handle on its own!
Your job as a mother and a father is to lead and encourage them in these areas of growth. You need to be a haven of safety where they are held to a standard and cheered on, know who they are and are loved, given responsibility and held accountable.
The teen years should be a time to help teens thrive and develop their skills and abilities. They don’t need to be bogged down with relationships, which can be messy.
So how do you handle these situations when they come up, because they will come up. We’re not naive to think that the opposite sex won’t attract! Attraction, especially at that age is normal. It’s how you go about it that will make a difference in your family life.
Think about your family values. Where do you stand on these issues, but most importantly why? Where did you get your idea of dating from? Most people look at what the culture is doing or what they did when they were that age and make decisions based on those experiences. But, as Christians, we’re called to a higher standard than ourselves.
Here are some ways to navigate the idea or conversation of “dating” in your home:
Think biblically:
Your example should always come from the bible. The bible should be your go to when you’re making decisions, determining your values, and setting a foundation for your family to follow.
Technically, you won’t find “dating” in the bible but you will find examples of love stories and relationships that led to marriage; Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, Ruth and Boaz, and Mary and Joseph You can refer to these to point out biblical character traits and character traits to avoid. Mostly, how do these men and women point to God in their relationships?
Express your values:
Your values for dating should be determined before your children are in that stage. Trust me! You want to have a plan before you need it. Emotions aren’t wise teachers. Pretending it won’t happen doesn’t mean it won’t happen, it just means you’ll have a lot more catching up to do in a lot less time:)
Once you get to the teen years, your children should know where your family stands on dating. It shouldn’t come as a surprise if you live and stand on the Word of God because it tells us that we are to teach our children as we go about our daily lives.
And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. Deut. 6:6-8
But even when you do speak about it and everyone knows the rules, there will always be a push to try to move, bend, or break the rules. And hey, the rules are there as a guide to keep you and your teens from going of course, but when you know the rules and have a vision in place, the chances of it going totally off course, is a lot less.
Give Your Teen a Vision
This is a great opportunity to speak about the character trait they want in a spouse. No, your teen isn’t ready for marriage but they are able to create a godly vision of what they want for their future. Focusing on the character traits of a godly person is a lot more fruitful than focusing on the physical or emotional aspects that can be fleeting. In grounding and shaping the desire of what they desire, it can also help them be introspective on their own character traits. What character weaknesses do they have that need to be strengthened?
It won’t be perfect, by far, or easy, but with time, yes beautiful. Because You’ll see the work of God in their life as He molds them into the person He’s creating them to be while also giving them greater vision for what they want in a future spouse.
Maintain Open Communication
Let your teen share their emotions. If there’s one thing I could go back and change about our experience during these times, it would be to listen more. Our children have feelings and they need to talk about it. If we’re not listening, then they’ll find someone who will.
Many times we don’t want to listen because of our own fears. We’re afraid of what they’ll say. We’re afraid we won’t have the answers. We want to control the conversation.
Listen to understand. Remember, they don’t have the same life experience you do and they’re learning to sort through a lot of new emotions. Listening doesn’t mean you have to have an answer, but it does mean you’ll have their perspective and if you listen well, you’ll gain or maintain their trust.
Honor God
The most important thing is to Honor God above all else. So as you talk through and walk out the details, Don’t forget to remind them why you do what you do. You want to Honor God. You want them to Honor God. You live this out by sincerely following His word.
The bible talks about the sin of sexual immorality and how physical intimacy is a gift reserved for marriage. Sex isn’t bad but it is corrupted when it’s outside the confines of marriage. As parents we want to help maintain our children’s purity and they should too!
Unfortunately. Sexual immorality is prevalent and you have to set the standard in your home that comes from God and not the current idea of morality or lack thereof.
Point out the passages in scripture that speak about sexual immorality and discuss the negative consequences that you see in society due to it.
In our family, we love having conversations like this, so it comes naturally to talk about current events and compare them to scripture. It also makes teachable moments out of sincere conversations that come up based on interests, convictions, current events, what’s trending etc, viral videos, latest songs. It also keeps us, as parents, in the loop as to what’s going on in the world that surrounds our family.
Leading your child to Honor God and pointing to scripture helps your teens form convictions that are biblically based. It’s not just your idea, or a good idea, but God’s idea.
Now with all this said, seeking God’s guidance through prayer and His Word is the most important thing you can do. When you’re in communion with God, God will lead you. He’ll give you discernment to make good choices. He’ll bring up scriptures to you that make sense. He’ll bring up circumstances or point to a problem that needs a solution, and that’s a good thing because He always has one. You’ll see how God is involved in the little details that you weren’t even thinking about.
There is a solution to our broken dating system. Dads and moms, it starts with you making a change in your own home and leading your family by making biblically informed decisions.
It sounds overwhelming, but really, the most overwhelming part is making the decision to do what is right in God’s sight. When you let go of the fear of man and what others think, you will find how freeing it is to walk in truth and biblical wisdom.
Take a step in the right direction and God will meet you there and show you that you are not alone.